Bluffer's guide: How to self-isolate like the world is watching

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That’s one good thing to come out of this whole pandemic. That and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s miniature donkey Lulu.

I feel this needs an explanation. The 72-year-old, who is the high-risk age category for contracting the virus, has been putting out some delightful videos starring his pets, Lulu the donkey and Whiskey the miniature pony, and urging fans to stop going out and to stay at home instead. “We don’t do that anymore,” he said. “We just eat with Whiskey and with Lulu. We have a good time. We get entertained. So much more fun.”

I’m guessing he’ll be back? I’m leaving now.

Wait! What about something cultural? Remember the 1995 BBC adaptation of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, which starred Jennifer Ehle as the heroine Elizabeth Bennet?

Yes. She’s been reading part of the book on Instagram to pass the time in quarantine.

That’s a bit shameless, isn’t it? Not as shameless as Colin Firth walking through a pond in a wet shirt, but I digress.

What else have you got? How about Oscar-winning actor Jared Leto claiming on Twitter that he had been on a 12-day silent retreat in the desert and had only just found out about the virus.

Uh, wasn’t the virus confirmed in China on January 7, and the first case in the US confirmed on January 21? Don’t get bogged down in details. Besides, Leto is now sending “positive energy to all”.

Let’s wrap this thing up with some “positive energy”. Professional delights Jennifer Garner and Amy Adams have launched #Savewithstories to raise money for the charities Save the Children and No Kid Hungry. The aim is to provide kids and parents with some fun while they’re stuck at home by listening to celebrities read stories.

I’m tempted. Just follow the #Savewithstories hashtag on Instagram and be blessed with, among others, Reese Witherspoon reading Uni the Unicorn, Weird Al Yankovic tackling his own book, When I Grow Up, and Pink reading There Was an Old Lady who Swallowed a Rose.

Awww, that’s nice. Got time for one more?

Go on. New Zealand’s No.2 export Sam Neill filmed himself self-isolation playing the Randy Newman ditty Dayton, Ohio – 1903 on ukulele. And just like when he washed his shoes, it was oddly captivating.

Just wondering, if a celebrity was self-isolating and no one was watching, did it really happen? I don’t know what you mean.

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